Halo: Reach
"BWARGHHHH WORT WORT WORT" - Elite on the Secret of life "DO A BARREL ROLL" - Peppy driving Noble Six to suicide "Get BACK IN THE BED" - Carter to Kat "WORT WORT WORT" - Elite on Elite Rights activists "That's what she said" - Marine on how they are going to get owned "DAMM IT BUNGLE, U SUCKZORZ AT M@KING GAYES!!!!!!1111ONE11111" - Kid on Bungie '' ''HALO: BEACH' '''is the latest game- NO ITS NOT U FUCKIN DICKHEAD ITS HALO 4 PAY ATTENTION TO LIFE- in the Gaylo Halo series. It features the ability to ass-rape assassinate people from behind. . It takes place on the planet Beach where you are attempting to keep the Covenant from messing up the volleyball game. You are a SPARTAN III which is basically Master Chief and Cortana's kids. You must fight the party-poopers with your spartan babies, threes who one by one get killed (and teabagged) until the last level when you are the last one left, then you get raped in the face by a Wort wort wort that looks like Rtas 'Vadum or the testicle chins. For some reason there is a bunch of awesome technology that you have never seen before like a rifle that fires needles and a single-shot human rifle that should have been in Halo 3. A new race appears on the side of the Covenant. The bastards look like the f*cked up offspring between jackals and raptors (the jackals experimented with incest). They use the commonplace and pimp overpowered Plasma Pistols, which have taken sterioids since the last game, lazorz and needle riflez but spend their lives hiding behind smaller shields than their pussy cousins. The wort wort wort asses return again with more wort wort wort than ever before!!!!! It even includes new things like the legendary Grunt penis. Also, monkeys are there, but, during the invasion of Reach, its their mating season, so Noble Six will encounter many horny monkeys (Note of fact: if you play as a fem-ale, than you will get raped). Your Dumbass Team and people that get in your way Noble Cream Team Your team is supposed to make you look cool by not doing anything. The only thing Noble about these group of dumbass Chieflings is that they all die with retarded stupid embarrasing honorable deaths that shall be remembered forever in the war against the alien terrorists lead by testicle chins. Carter - The Bawss. He doesn't have to deal with roles of the team. Just to get the job done. As with all sergeants Commanders in every form of media ever, he doesn't seem to give a shit about Noble Team (Especially playing Halo Reach]] when he sees Kat, a Person he's worked with for nearly a decade, die) but rather, would love to be a Lone Wolf like Noble Sex, because of his Jealousy, he ordered Noble Sex NOT to go Lone Wolf EVER AGAIN, of course, once everyone was dead, Noble Sex didn't give a Shit at all. He was bald in the trailer for Reach and less "Handsome" then some how grew hair and morphed his face a few months later when the game came out (He was probably ridiculed for being bald and ugly so used some MAGIC Grunty potion to grow hair and morph his face), he decided to think his life over, realizing he is not making a difference in the war, rather he is getting in the way, he Commited Suicide by ramming his Pelican into the closest Mod that shouldn't be there, Scarab, killing him, his death was wasted, as the Scarab survived, and would later participate in every Battle in the Human-Covenant war, until later killed my Master Queef on tee level: Why am i so horny when Kat gets a boner? Kat - The only slut (Or depending on Gender, the only covenant) on the Noble Team. She had a nuclear ass wipe that lost her dick in a fight to get to the toilet . In other words, she has a THING for being the alternative boss of the team. Shot in the face, survived. Shot in the leg, survived. Shot in the hole.Survived. Shot somewhere else. Survived. Raped by an Elite. lived, Impregnated, commited Suicide. Jun - Teh Snipzorz. He's a very talkative badass, with an accent that can crack a rock --Relate to yourself-- but also the unskilled sniper of the Noble team. Most of the time, he hauls his lazy ass around in the passenger seat of a Falcon.He is such a shitty sniper that when he sees Miranda Keyes, he sez, look, a covenant disguised as a human! And just be clear: he has a scout helmet on if you're wondering of Recon, but most n00bs won't care, and Jun will receive millions of texts asking "CAN I HAZ RECONZ?"...Ran off from Noble Team in a Wort Wort Warthog, he was last heard at McDonalds under the name "June, a horny prostitute from the year 1967". Everyone wants to hump him. Only guy to not die in Reach, but it is highly likely he commited Suicide afterwards, probably be Jorge - The Heavy Weapons Guy That Nobody Loves. It's important to mention he used to be in the same league as Master Chief, but now must work with Shitty Spartan III's, who supposedly cost cheaper to buy at Walmart He's very similar to chief but the only difference is that he LOVES Talking with little Girls telling them it will be alright, and taking them into a Quiet...locked Room... taking down Elites with teh brute force or freaking rape interrogation. The usual for Noble Team, he also loves getting in the way of Noble Sexes shots (Alot of times, saving the enemy) Died when he tried to make toast in the bath tub to detonate the bomb with no bomb experiance what-so-ever, he flew that Pelican in the big blue dildo and went crazy from having the feral stage of AIDS pronounced dead when Kat saw his body floating in space. Everyone was happy, except the n00bs so the mighty n00b leader, N00BY, told a fucking gay turkey chicken called Soulja Boy to rape then torture Chuck Norris. Emile - Designated Noob-pwner Grunt. A hard-headed Stupid retard companion, who thinks hes better then everyone(Not important in ways unexplainable). Likes knives. He's also a wannabe Ghost. Evidence: carved a fucking skull in his helmet (like a Ghost), tries to be all scary (like a ghost) but nobody really gave a shit, so they just went along with it, Stabbed in the back like a dumbass (obviously, he didn't look at his Radar) Lived, Commited Suicide after realizing Sex (The biggest Idiot on the planet) was the only one left. You (Suck) - Noble Sex is your current name. Little is known about him/her/IT. --Further Research shows Noble Sex is a grunt really....still looking into more research-- It is interesting to note that he's/she's/IT'S to n00bish to be a Spartan III, let alone a Human being.....he/she died by getting stabbed in the balls, it really hurt! face, Like a noob/nooblet (Depending on your Gender) he is renowned as the only member of Noble Team who wasn't Suicidal. People that get in your way '''Linder' - the Spartan in the cyro...in the same tube as Cheef Cheef - The Spartan in the cyro...in the same tube as Linder Arbiturd - Secretly disguised as a Grunt that you see running away Sergeant Major Avery "Magic" Johnson - not in the game, but he is! Army Guyz- usually dying the moment they lay there eyes on the pure awesome-Sauce that is a grunt Marine Guyz - usually seen at the end of a game, they are the same as those Army guyz, except with a different skin Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes - Takes Cortana from you, pushes you off the Pillar of Autumn and fucks off (he is the reason you are dead, and the Reason AIDZ got released in the first place....) Gunnery Private Buck - That guy from Halo 2: ODST Tarter Sauce - he is one of the many Brutes you DON'T Kill. Testical Chin - The one behind the fall of teh Reaches The Long Story of Development... Was Shit. Bungie keep claiming they've been working on this since they finished Halo 3. The fact they only started showing us content since a few months ago is a... coincidence......... If I claim otherwise I fear I may become victim of the Bungie slingshot apocalypse. The engine of the game will be the same as the first hoola hoop game. It includes new little dinosaurs in gameplay , and probably some form of AIDS will be there too. Monkeys will also be in the fight, but as troops and not as shitty shit throwing leaders. At some shitty sitcom place, it was revealed that Reach would use shitty graphics from 1984, and Starfox 64 gameplay, it really would've been better if it released in 1980. IGN and every reviewer gave the game a 10.666, because they were raped and bribed by M$. Blind by Truth and Logic, God decided to brainwash BungEe into giving Halo to assrapers mcgee, and than work with ACTiVISiON. Many creative directors for Halo Reach died, but their deaths were announced 1, 1, 2666, many, many years after their deaths, the docters didn't know what the hell happened Plot Of course, the story begins as Noble Sex has been fired from the Krusty Krab, so he joins Nible Team, hoping for his life to be easier, he realizes his whole team is comprised of idiots and Suicidal bastards, Noble Sex realizes he will die at the end of all this. NOOOOOOOOOOO SPONGEBOB!!!!!!!!!!! Winter Contingency (level) "Colonal Halbone, the Covenant are on Reach, THEY'VE FOUND THE COCAINE" - Carter to Colonal Holland This level involves Noble Team looking for some n00bs who got owned by Rebels (people that suck) but realize the covenant has found the Home mahn, and have come to fuck shit up, so Noble team fucks off like a bunch of pussies (with Kat almost dying), they inform that one guy tat tee covenant are on teh Reaches, teh level ends p.s. cabal are found on this level and have one shot kill powers only if you kill them. Oni: Sword Base First off, Noble Sex only came to OSW to boost his stats(but got 8a|\|3D by bungie for using noob tactics), but Noble Team decides to actually do something right and attempt to save Oni (Office of Shit Bucks) Sword Base, but "ACCIDENTALLY" Kill everyone (Noble Sex did it all on Purpose) by the end of the mission, the Team meets Professor Doctor Master Johnathon Halsey Catherine, who wants to throw Noble Team in jail because they did something, everyone leaves, calling PDMJH Catherine gay, Noble Sex almost shot her. '''Nightfall a Sniper mission with Jun A2666, who alerts every enemy on the map, it ends with Noble Team learning the meaning of life.....and not telling anyone. Cabal will assist but do not trust in their Burger King side mission Tip of the Spear THINGS GET DOWN, first, Noble Sex and Kat crash, then some idiot marines try to be cool and do the same, only to crash and burn, dying, Noble Sex grabs a Grenade LAWN CHAIR and fires at two banshees and misses, Kat is blasted off the cliff, and Noble Sex blows up AA (A'sshole '''A'ir 'G'uns) and then meets up with Jorge, who tells him to fuck off, Noble Sex kills 20 Army dudez, and decides to go to teh Spirez, they crash, Jorge dies, and Noble Sex lives, but realizes Jorge lived and Contiplates Suicide....at the end, teh Spirez is asploded. The name of this level was abrievated as ToTS, which is very close to TiTS. Long Night of Solace (Very Deep solace) "Press Right Trigger + Left/Right/Up/Down on the Control Stick to DO A BARREL ROLL" - Peppy Explaining the Controls to Sex You need to blow up the Ship called Long Night of Very Very Very Very Deep Solace of Suicidal Elites, First the mission starts with Noble Team (Minus Emile and Jun who thought it was gay to go on this mission) move out, they get inside teh Building, and a Giant spaceship is waiting for Jorge and Noble Sex, they get in, a Star Fox Mini-game begins and ends 10 Minutes later, Jorge brings a BOMB on the Ship, shouting "I AM SICK AND TIRED, OF THESE MOTHER FUCKIN COVENANT, ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN REACH" Noble Sex jumps off the ship as Jorge detonates the bomb, Commiting Suicide, Noble Sex survives the 1000 Mile fall, and grabs a PISSTol, and readies for the next mission. Exodus "TO BARREL ROLL PRESS Z O-*bang* SHUT DAFUQ UP!!! -Jun raping Peppy The Introduction of monkeys in teh gayme, these guys are messing shit up, killing those Innocent rapists and useless army dudes, you kill them, and by the end of the mission, nothing new has happened New Alexandria Noble Sex meets up with Carter to tell him Jorge is dead, Carter doesn't give two shits and tells Noble Sex to do a bunch of pointless tasks, such as Rescuing Gunnery Private Buck, Killing Jammars, and saving Kat, at the end of the mission, every Noble Guy is sitting talking like a Sitcom, until the Covenant get sick of watching the sitcom and try to Glass the area, but fail, Kat and all the Spartans run to a Bunker to get safe from the glassing, but Kat is shot in the head like a bitch, Noble Sex leaves her body, and tries to be epick and kill the phantom with a shitty pistol. kat lives, but is raped, multiple times and commits Suicide...... Then a n00b found her and they had Hardcore Sex 117 times. Then the n00b discovered he was tricked. The Package Noble Team is ordered to blow up Sword Base, they happily agree, killing Civilians, Marines, Elites, TurkyRaptorz, Turkies, But unable to kill Grunts without the tankz, Noble Sex meets up with Emile, Carter, and Jun, who are killing everything in sight (Almost killing Sex) when Carter realizes that he is gay, he tries to molest Jun, but instead finds out a Secret Base, Professor Doctor Master Johnathon Halsey Catherine orders them to protect her lab, they don't, and Halsey gives Noble Sex Porntana (Cortana's retarded sister) to give to http://unhalo.wikia.com/wiki/Keyes%7CCaptain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes for extraction from REEEAACCCHHHHH The Pillar of Autumn Carter thinks over his life, realizing he ain't doing a damn thing in this war, rather getting in the way, pushes Sex (who grabs Emile) off the ship, and ramms it into a Nearby Scarab (which lives) Sex and Emile (The last ones left) go through a series of Covenant soldiers (Millions upon Millions) SOMEHOW managing to get to the pillar of Autumn Noble Sex gives Porntana to http://unhalo.wikia.com/wiki/Keyes%7CCaptain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes who takes it to the pillar of autumn, Noble Sex follows him in, But as soon as Emile is stabbed, Captain Jacob SCN Keyes pushes Sex off the ship, Sex must then defend the Pillar of Autumn, which Escapes, leaving Noble Sex for dead Lone Wolf Emile realizes Noble Sex (The biggest idiot on the planet) is going to die before him, he kills himself, Noble Sex watches as MILLIONS of Covenant come to kill him (They could've used that Army on the Master Cheef, but they don't) Noble Sex runs around, Finding 1'''3 Dead Spartans who sucked and got killed easily, Noble Sex is overwhelmed by those Stupid Elites, and killed, his helmet somehow got thrown into a Mountain, then 60 years later, it is still there, Intact from the glassing, the story ends where it began, and Bungie basically says "SCREW YOU, now go buy Halo 1, but because it isn't in stores anymore, you have to get the crappy new version, Halo CE Anniversay :3" The End......? Multiplayer Anyone who thinks that reach is like MW2 should be reminded that they suck massive Grunty Balls. Armor abilities replace equipment and load outs only occur in very specific modes (meaning Every Mode). Now returning to Multiplayer, Blood Gulch, being remade for the 3rd time now....except in a big shittier map Called FARGE WARLD, featuring a Hidden MOAR Krabs on the map, who displays messages in the sky, as he says moar, all objects fall into pieces. Multiplorer is the same as Halo 3, without Grunts, but many of the players are too high to even realize that without there Grunt Rapists Leaders, they are souless, but they fill the void by Assassinating someone, Teabagging them, then Arm0r Bagging them Most of multiplayer consists of full-grown men who payed 160$ for a Flaming Helmet, but it only manages to make people Sniper fodder, also, Bungee released blue flames for all teh n00bs with Ipods, making the red flame irrelevant. Rumors claim the Flames are fueled by Gruntiness, but because all the n00bs have it, it is confirmed false, all Grunts use Gruntflame a Powerful version that gives them Immortality and the ability to ban players at will, providing balance to the game. Noobs are back, but they suck even more at the game. They think the grenade launcher/pro pipe is a good weapon and will use it ALL the time, they don't know that when you fire the damn thing the nade just bounces off anything it hits (who builds explosives like that?). PWN them in this simple process *Step 1- Wait for them to fire nade launcher. *Step 2- Kill them when the nade bounces off your face and hits a member of the noobs team. Most maps consist of Shitty Remakes or Forged levels (Bungie R Fery Cweative) only one is actually featured in the Campaign, Farge Warld, but nobody really notices and jumps to conclusions (uhhh, that Spartan in the Cyrotube on the Pillar of Winter is obviously a Grunt, not Linder, Cheef, or Arbiturd) that Farge warld is not in the campaign and that every other map is Maps: Farge Warld X6, Crappy Remakes X9001, Shitty forged maps X1,000,000 *Remember kids, only Grunts can prevent Forest fir---wait what? I mean, only grunts can make awesome maps DLC Bungie decided there weren't enough maps in teh reaches, so they added 6 moar. whats more is, unless you download them, the game bitches and moans till u du by them. Noble Map Pack Named after noble team, but there was no point cause they were only dead. Bungie really only wanted to steal your money and rape you anally make a ton of money. Tempest A shitty rip-off of Halo 2's relic, but nobody notices Anchor 3 A Place in space, but you cant go into space because of kill boundries which suck. Breakpoint A gay map built by retarded forgers (But you never notice) Defiant Map Pack You have to defy something, become a rebelious team killer, and buy this map pack, problem is, this map pack is even worse than the last one. Highlands Some shitty Big team balls map, it sucks with a capital fail Condemned Another space map (why?) it only appears in Team Slayer, but its so big that you can't really find anyone. Halo Combat Evolved Anniversay Sucks Black Men. More importantly, There Balls. Created by teh new halo owners (who also announced 3 more Halo games....yay?) it allows the player to play the only good Halo game out there, one of the returning weapons is The Jesus Gun, and has become sexier than ever, how is this relevant to Reach though? because their will be 7 (actually 3) maps for Halo Reach. Battle Canyon A remake of that creek for beaves, however, I don't exactly think the beavers will be back this time (they jumped ship a long time ago.) Petulance Penance Basically Damnation, which sucked, the map will asplode after 33:33 minutes of play. Hang em' High A remake of that area where they buried Forerunner junkies, however, like the beavers, they'll be gone because they abandoned ship. Linder also got hung by her Massively, Immensly Huge '''Boobies.' Ridgeline Remake of Timberlands, I don't even remember that map, why is it in here? because 343 is dumb. Solitary (Remake of that map no-one knows about). Wait...wat? This is just a mini Sword Base. Headlong Return of the retards and their search for the golden crap machine. Gods Own Anti-Son-of-a-Bitch-Machine 04 Fight lots of gay homesexuals on that crappy campaign map from Halo 1 Firefight Firefight was announced at that Sitcom crap for supposed gamers, it's basically like Halo 2 ODST's firefight, except 100X worse. It also has Elites for the first time ever, but, even on Heroic, they suck balls, and are easy to kill, its even easier when crappy skulls are on, like Tits, Bind, or Tunderdorm, all of which, will get you easy kills brotha Raping in Firefight is like baking grilled monkey burgers, easy, until they assassinate you (although for some reason, NPC's can't assassinate). Leaks, Receptions, Reviews, and shit nobody cares about Halo Reach was leaked 100 days before release, because Micro$oft decided to put the game on the market place for 1 Micro$oft point, Millions of people got the game, and Millions were kil...I mean....banned from Xbox Live for 33333333333133333 Years resulting in mass Chaos. Chaos was made in just cause sex 2 much. a gamer by the name of XXNigwatsfurlaivesXX spreaded rumors of Jar Jar binks in Halo: Reach, star wars fans rushed to the situation, but it was confirmed false (COUGHTHEMOAAREJARSJARSCOUGHHACKHOUGH) Triviaz *It only took Three days for n00bs to figure how to boost in Reech (They vewy smaut) *it only took 1 day for someone to get 200 Million credits (and only ONE human has done so (He died shortly though), The others were Grunts high on Methane) *There is no Arbiturd on Reach because reach is considered less important then Harvest (for reasons un-explained) *This is the worst Halo (Halo Whores isn't even a Halo game) and this game needs to be buried in the darkest region of Pluto. *There was already pr0n of Halo: Reach before the game was even announced *All the missions take 3 hours to complete on Legendary (except the last level, which takes 3 Seconds) *Every single halo Hatorz cumed 0ut of teh holes to assaultz Halo Reach (because they couldn't even kill a l33t) *Everyone blames Bungie when dying in Reach, even the marines who are suspiciously named after Bungie Employees and guys from that 1 Machinima *One of the Forge World remakes, Blood Gulch, has the bases on 'THE WRONG SIDE, therefore, the game is a shitload of fucking horseshit vomited out of a Brute's anus and put in the garbage bin (Gruntipedia has now become serious) and you shouldn't even bother with it. *Frankly, a step backward from Halo 3. *A guy named XxPornostarsoulxX managed to get to INHERATORATOR, but was reset by Bungee the next week. RRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH SSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS BBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE UUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO 3333333333333333 '''A N00B WROTE THIS. ''By Master Chief, Leader Of The Grunty Spartans Who Are Not Really Gay Like Gaylo Whores. Goodbye And Plz Get Cortana Here Right Now So We Can Show You Our Hardcore Sex.'' *The game should have been called Halo: Revenge of the Sangheili. Category:Things that suck Category:Games Category:Things you shouldn't use for intercourse Category:Madness Category:Big exploding stuff, Category:Epic Shit Category:People who are awesome Category:Bosses Category:Helping noobs understand stuff Category:Saving the universe.